Grieve

You know, I heard the funniest thing today, and it wasn't the first time I have heard this.... I was talking with a person about my darling son and she said to me, "It's time to grieve for the child you thought you would have, but didn't". Hmmm..I'm not sure what to think about this, or where to go with this. How do I know what I was supposed to have? Am I to grieve when I get my 5 year old out of bed for school in the morning, and he kicks me, and tells me that he is quitting school, he hates it and that the other kids are stupid idiots....Am I to grieve because I can't take my child to the playground, or the play place at the malls, or McDonald's for that matter because my child will get too overwhelmed and physically hurt another child? Am I to grieve that I have to be with my child for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week because daddy is so hurt and confused and can't handle our 5 year old? Am I to grieve that my child ended up on the front page of the paper for physically assaulting another child, and the school department never told me this happened? Am I to grieve that my 5 year old gets suspended from kindergarten because he hurt another child, and the grandmother of that other child wants, "these kids" out of our schools? Am I to grieve that we just found out that my son has a heart defect, and other medical issues going on? Am I to grieve that we just found out he has Dyslexia...Auditory Processing Disorder...and was down graded from Asperger's to Autism? Hmmmm.....as I sit and type this, my natural instinct is to defend my son and explain to everyone that there is NOTHING to grieve here. Despite all that we have went through, my son is absolutely amazing, and I see it everyday. Some days I have to see the beauty through the fog....but it's there. I don't know what kind of child I was "supposed" to have, but the one in front of me is a child that I will celebrate. Not grieve. Frankly I find that a waste of time. My son can surf, swim, ski, ride horses, smile, run, laugh, and is probably the best human GPS this side of the Mississippi. I guess if there is anything to grieve, it is the insecurities that people have about my son and the fact that they believe he won't amount to much in life. Well, I say grieve for yourself. Call your mom, are you the person she wanted you to be? It's a crazy thing this life....we can dwell on the good or bad....grieve or rejoice.....it's all what you make of it. I would be horribly embarrassed of myself if I had to look my son in the eye one day and explain to him how I grieved over the child he never was. How sad, and tragic. He and his life are bountiful. I always say that no matter how hard this life is, I am the luckiest mom in the world. So, during this Autism Awareness month, I encourage everyone to cast all the grief, shame and doubt aside, and just simply love someone with Autism. We will all be better for it.

March 18, 2010

First blog, here goes....

Went to Boston today to see our little guys Psychiatrist. He's our go to guy that handles the medication management for Ben. We were VERY skeptical about beginning him on medication, but in the fall after he was suspended from kindergarten for physically assaulting another child, and an increasing issue taking him to stores, we were really left with no other options. Now when I tell you he was suspended it wasn't all his fault. The school was supposed to have given him a trained aide to start the school year with, and they didn't. I tell you this not to place blame on the school department, but rather to show you just how crazy and misunderstood Autism really is. Anyhow, we went for med check and all is well. He's on .75ml of Risperadone, and this has seemed to level him off quite nicely. However, this does not come without side effects. Man boobs, yes I did say that; weight gain; and who else knows....time will have to tell. After his appointment he wanted to walk around the city and look at sky scrapers. This we did, for 5 hours! Without an altercation! Definite progress! However when it was time to go, he could not leave his skateboarding friends, (a group of teenagers he was admiring)his behavior started to escalate, and two girls who were near us said out loud, "Those who don't know how to control their kids, should never be a parent in the first place." Like being Ben's mom isn't hard enough. Getting out of this situation without an altercation was appearing like fantacy, now we're adding the B*LL S**T comments from some college girls. You'll see in a few years girls, you just might be blessed with a child who has Autism. All in all a great day, 65 degrees, sunny and we made it back to our car in one piece, safe and sound. We're home now, and my little Ben is sleeping peacefully.